23 Jul 9 Keys to Cultivating a Strong and Healthy Relationship
In the Gottman Method approach, a solid relationship resembles a seven-story house supported by two fundamental pillars.
PILLAR 1: TRUST
Trust is the foundation that allows openness and vulnerability in the relationship. It implies the assurance that the partner will be present, albeit not perfectly or constantly, but in the best possible way. The key lies in understanding that trust is a choice, not just a result of actions.
– FLOOR 1: Mutual Knowledge
This involves maintaining and updating the love maps, meaning having a deep understanding of each other’s concerns and expectations. What interests my partner?
– FLOOR 2: Appreciation and Admiration
Expressing mutual admiration is crucial. Often underestimated, this aspect is reflected in simple comments that value each other’s actions: “The coffee you made today was delicious” or “You were brilliant in solving the bathroom problem.”
– FLOOR 3: Daily Connection
“Connection bits” are the small daily gestures of closeness, such as touching, kissing, or hugging the partner, and how we respond to them.
– FLOOR 4: Positive Perspective
It’s about maintaining a positive view of the other, recognizing their intrinsic value. Even in the face of unpleasant behaviors, it’s important to attribute them to temporary circumstances (“They’re stressed today”) rather than attributing them to personality (“They’re unbearable”). Maintaining a ratio of at least 20 positive interactions for every negative one is crucial for the relationship’s health.
– FLOOR 5: Conflict Management
The term “management” is preferred to “resolution” because conflicts are natural and can be constructive. They help to better understand the partner, adapt to changes, and renew interest in the relationship.
– FLOOR 6: Mutual Support for Dreams
According to Gottman, couples who achieve this are “indestructible.” It involves believing in each other’s dreams and providing active support for their realization.
– FLOOR 7: Shared Meaning
What do they build together as a couple that has its own identity? This floor refers to shared roles, rituals, and life projects, such as weekly traditions or how to face difficulties.
PILLAR 2: COMMITMENT
Commitment goes beyond marriage and refers to being fully involved in the relationship. When trust is undermined, commitment is affected, and cracks emerge in the relationship’s structure. This commitment involves being motivated to grow as individuals and work together on the couple’s project.
