04 Mar Sexuality in the Puerperium: How to Rediscover Lost Desire
I remember feeling the same fears as the first time. The dread of pain, the worry that I wouldn’t like it, feeling uncomfortable, and being interrupted—not by my parents this time, but by a much smaller, louder creature. When my husband and I finally tried to reconnect in bed, about 20 days after the birth, there was delicious food, candles, and quiet music to set the mood, but there were also milk leaks, flabby tissues, and piercing cries coming from the room next door, where I had carefully placed the crib.
The puerperium often feels like the worst time to have sex, especially considering how women feel about their bodies. “Puerperal” goes hand-in-hand with “sleep-deprived,” “underfed,” “sore,” and the little energy left for a new human being. Finding the path back to desire and eroticism is the great challenge.
When to return? Some doctors still recommend waiting the famous 40 days for recovery. But there’s no consensus on the “best time” to resume sexual activity. From a gynecological perspective, it depends on whether the birth was vaginal or via cesarean. Healing time for stitches, whether from a cesarean, tear, or episiotomy, typically ranges from 20 to 30 days.
But sometimes, even when the obstetrician gives the green light, we might not feel like having sex. Sleep, food, and showering are much higher on the to-do list. The puerperium involves hormonal, psychological, and emotional changes that can last beyond the “quarantine.”
Hormones in this period lead to a sort of “mini-menopause,” causing vaginal dryness and low sexual desire. There’s an anthropological reason for this: it helps prevent a new pregnancy soon after birth.
Reconnecting with our body can take time. After nine months of celebrating our bellies, society sometimes expects us to return to “normal” quickly, but healing from birth takes patience. Restoring intimacy requires recognizing that perhaps we won’t have the same body again, and that’s okay.
For both partners, fatigue and hormonal changes can make it hard to reconnect. Talking openly about the subject, approaching it with humor, and being patient are key. To reignite desire, consider these tips: explore beyond intercourse, embrace physical affection, plan date nights, and eliminate guilt. Use lubricants if necessary, and let go of expectations—this is a time for discovering new paths to pleasure.
